On the Ego and Willful Ignorance

So today started like any other day (screaming kids, food, dishes, bed making, shower, etc...). I received a $30 gift card from my wife to Starbucks. I'm a sucker for the soy Caramel Macchiato. Anyway, I got off the bus today with every intention of walking across the street and picking up a coffee and a muffin before walking the few blocks to work. It is a beautiful crisp and sunny day here and Vancouver and I was feeling pretty lucky to be alive. But as I got to the street corner I came upon a homeless man lying on the ground wrapped in a thin blanket.

I'm not sure what was different about this guy. There are lots of "homeless" people in Vancouver, or in other words, people posing as homeless or jobless panhandling for loose change. I've seen several local stories of some of these people making a $200 a day and driving home from a day of begging in a shiny SUV to their townhouse in Kits. I've always been pretty jaded about these individuals having been burned on a couple of scams. But this guy was different. To me there seemed an energy around him, I could almost see it. Something inside me felt that this guy was really homeless and in some real trouble. He had a cardboard sign half covered by food offerings and change that made mention of "sick and dying" and "please help me".

There was maybe $3 in change, a croissant and a slice of banana bread wrapped in cellophane on the ground beside him. Hundreds of people were walking past him on this busy corner. Most would glance at him and promptly forget about him. Some looked guilty as they walked away. As I walked into Starbucks I remember the passage in the New Testament (not sure which Gospel) that tells us of Jesus saying if someone asks for your shirt, give them your coat. In other words, give them all you can and then more. It's a wonderful sentiment, but harder than you might think to actually do.

So in this little moral conundrum, I came face to face with my ego. Here was a real opportunity for me to put my money where my mouth is, to not just contemplate, write and talk about spiritual morals but to actually PRACTICE them. I had $30 on a plastic card and he was laying on a freezing cold street trying to sleep wrapped in a blanket I wouldn't give to my dog. I was about to enjoy a completely superfluous cup of gourmet coffee and a fresh baked muffin, and he was relying on charity to eat that day. It occurred to me that I could buy him something to eat, and I mean a real something, not a $1 croissant or a sugary piece of loaf that would not provide any real nutrition.

But my ego said, "But that's my money, my coffee, my luxury."

So I debated and struggled and bargained with that stupid ego. Eventually after about 10 minutes of internal strife, I settled on buying a $6 ham sandwich and a coffee for myself. I walked back out to the curb and placed that sandwich next to him and wished him blessings and went off to my work sipping my coffee, listening to my iPod and wearing about $400 worth of clothing and a bag to a job that will pay be $25/hr to play on a computer all day. And you know what?

That fucking ego wanted to be congratulated for that. It wanted to call my wife and tell her what it did or work it into a conversation at work so that people could see what a great guy it was.

It made me sick. I could have given it all to him. I could have stood him up, walked to the soup restaurant a block away a fed him some hot soup. I could have taken the day off of work and figured out how to get him to a shelter for a day. Something other than dropping a $6 sandwich and feeling self-righteous about it.

It was a small victory against my ego, one of many that I will need to win in order to awaken to my true identity and become a Christ. It also marked the first time "I" felt separate from my ego, like there was an alternate personality I was trying to control and tame.

But I still feel like I failed. Even as I write this I feel shame. Ultimately unhelpful, but there you go.