Is That the Sound of Something Clicking?

Somedays I feel so tantalizingly close to an epiphany and other days so very far away. But I think I am on to something.

I believe the first step (and this may seem pretty obvious to some) is to make of yourself a worthy person. I believe that one must purge all anger, hatred, jealousy, envy and judgement from yourself. These are the tools of the ego and as long as you succumb to them you will remain enthralled to it.

I grew up mean and cruel. Plain and simple. First come first serve and if you were second, take it by force from the one that came first. Mercy is for the weak, and the weak deserve no mercy (Karate Kid in case that sounded familiar). It was a vicious downward spiral of feeling lonely and reaching out, not getting the response I was looking for, lashing out in pain and anger, getting hate rebounded back to me and sinking back into loneliness.

If I had only seen that it was all in my approach to reaching out. It was defensive and aggressive and more than a little needy. It put new people off and stank of the same 'ol same 'ol for those that knew me. But that is in the past. I know now that the pain of rejection is so much less than the pain of loneliness. My life is filling rapidly with friends, joy and love.

But now comes the hard part. Now the old habits need to be reformated into knew ones. When I'm not paying attention the old hard ass bastard comes out. So I force myself to humbleness and I apologize. Everytime. And you know what? I don't see the bastard too much anymore. I live in mindfullness, aware of what I am doing NOW, not worrying about tomorrow or chewing on yesterday.

Now comes the hardest part. Putting myself out there. Saying hello, helping someone with their bags, making sure someone is OK, giving a smile, making them smile. Giving a part of myself to everyone I meet. Without reservation and without judgement. Stinky old man? Love you buddy, how's it going. 600lb woman? Love you sister, be well. It's easy to be nice to the pretty people or the one's more like you. The true test are the homeless, the strange, the mean looking and the punks. Once you learn to love them, you are on the road to something greater.

What is that something? Not sure, but I can't wait to find out.

Know Thy Self. That's the key and the first thing I will try to master.

PAX