My Ministry, My Vocation

Last night I participated in a cozy little online chat with my +Bishop and two of my brothers in Formation. I cannot tell you how intimidating I find these sessions. I have felt for some time, right from the beginning, that I am their Peter. The least of them all. Why? Well that's a longer story.

Rather than to dive back into my sad little story, suffice it to say I was not exactly encouraged to have much self confidence. In some areas of my life I exceled and in others I failed miserably. In the areas I exceled in and felt the most confidence there was one thing in common. There was only me. I did not have to interact or express myself to anyone else. I could live in my own head. When forced to confront or deal with someone else, my sense of inadequacy reared its awful head and I retreated, tail firmly between legs.

Things have changed over the years. A strong loving wife and the unquestioning love a 2 year old are definitely contributing factors. I have matured emotionally as well, either through active correction or just because it happens with age I am not really sure. Regardless my control has improved and I'm a little easier to be around. I lucked out with a good therapist, though it is usually me just talking to a willing if silent listener.

But I still struggle with self confidence in areas that I feel most vulnerable. Religion, my art (when being gifted or done for others), my feelings. Within my formation group there are some great minds. Some eloquent people, some passionate articulate people. There are decades of scholarship and minds well suited to debate.

Am I saying that I won't/can't measure up? No, I know my abilities and my gifts. I know that this is the path I was made for. It's just like when you approach a girl you like for the first time, your tongue starts doing some interesting things and the most ridiculous stuff start popping out of your mouth. My lack of confidence in the face of equals or betters gets the best of me. I can and will get over it though.

So what is the point of this post? Well, I started this by feeling like I needed to catch up. That I had all this stuff to learn: history, philosophy, theory. But as I was riding home on the bus today, surrounded by great souls and children of Light, I remembered what my sensei used to tell us about sparring opponents. If you brace yourself for the coming blows, or if you have several possible moves in your mind all at once, when the attack comes you will hesitate, you will be too slow. If you are relaxed, ready to react and let your body do what it knows to do, you will win.

And so it is with my gifts. The truth is inside us. I must simply be still and live within the moment and it will be clear. What is in front of my face will be revealed to me. If I relax, my spirit will do what it already knows how to do. Remember.

I am a passable scholar. I enjoy facts and stories and retain them. But details? Bah, only so much room in the grey matter. Debate? I can hold my own, but I tend to let others have their views and try to learn something from it. But what I am good at is empathy. I help, I listen, I feel. It is why I applied to the group in the first place. As a priest, I can be in a position to help people on a most important journey. I can listen to their struggles, offer advice based on my own experiences, and improve their lives. What better task can one set for ones life? How great, how special, how humbling. That is what I can offer to this group.

Too bad its so hard to do online. ;)

Peace