We're All Priests

I just finished one of 6 cumbersome papers required for my formation program. They centralize around ethical ministry and the role of a priest within his/her parish.

It occured to me, however, that we could all be in essence priests to one another. If we are living a moral and well-intentioned life, than the goals of helping each other is lived everyday. We try to lead by example both at work to our co-workers and/or employees and at home with our children. The idea being to practice what you preach or be true to what you believe. Most people attempt to do these things everyday, even if it is not exactly by conscious intent.

Granted many tend to only do this with those they like or love, and forget or ignore the people they do not know. It is something you see over and over again. A person will bend of backwards for their brother or sister, but ignore the needs of someone they pass on the street. Most choose to ignore the simple yet profound fact that all people are our brothers and sisters.

A priest then, is someone who chooses to model their lives in every moment, in every day after these ideals. They serve and make themselves available to anyone and everyone. They strive to help those in need, to be a shoulder to lean on or a sympathetic ear to another's problems. They try to live as an example of right living with honesty, integrity and spiritualness, ready to fight the good fight when called upon.

Does this then necessarily require the laying on of hands, of formation and ordination? No, not fundamentally. These things force/coax a person to look at every aspect of their lives and adapt them to a code of morals that they have formed during this process. It is a process that most do not do on their own, at least not completely. Also, it seems in the Western society with its importance on categories, classes and titles, that ordination (and even the outfit) lend themselves toward a certain authenticity. It is a little like, even if a woman appears pregnant, one does not comment until absolutely sure of it for fear of embarassment. Likewise, some people would not comfortably surrender their spiritual issues to a perfect stranger without the priestly distinction. It seems to say, here is one who will serve me in the name of God, with goodness and love. There is comfort in that, making a priest a stranger to no one and an aide to all.

In a perfect world, we would all be priests to one another. We have the capacity to do this but are without the motivation of understanding. If only the benefits were more readily understood. For myself, I find nothing more satisfying than helping another and seeing the gratitude in their eyes or even the simple act of showing a little loving kindness, knowing that I did my part to make their lives a little better if only for a moment, and through them, make the world a little brighter.

I Remember Sleeping

It was pleasant I seem to recall.

For all those about to have children, sleep now. Be warned. 4 hours a night is not enough to survive on. Sigh. Yawn.

I seem to remember this ending at some point. Must soldier on.

Sleep...oh sweet, sweet memory.

I'm a Gnostic. No...I'm a Gnostic.

Well it's been 6 months since I entered this crazy little online world of soapbox speeches and know-it-alls. I have a selection of blogs I keep my eye on and even comment on from time to time, mainly my fellow AJC brethren. I learn a lot from these sites about Gnostic praxis...the active application of Gnostic values and ideals upon one's life and worldview in the pursuit of gnosis. But this is where the helpful stuff ends.

I have joined many Yahoo! Groups and have recently left them all. I have participated in many discussion forums but no longer go to any of them. Why? Because, quite bluntly, I have #$%*! sick and tired of defending my thoughts against people have an insatiable need to make themselves feel better about their lives by putting down others. I am done with rambling soapbox speeches, rampant scripture copy/pasting and verbal diarrhea. I am most especially done with the incessant non-stop particularly vicious anti-Religion smear campaigning. So, you don't like churches. Get over it!

In the past months I have heard it all. From people that insist that you can't be a Gnostic if you believe in the teachings of Jesus to people that spout that gnosis is not divine knowledge but in fact it is the logical understanding on the mathematics of the universe. You have the blithely naive that hop from one idea to the other, blindly trying to find something, anything to believe in. You have the obliquely mysterious who seem to think that the more innocuously worded their rhyming answers are, the wiser they appear. You have the dreaded firestarters, the anarchists, the atheists who don't even know what they believe, scientists, and theological philosophers who are perpetually contemplating their navel. And mixed in like so much filler are all the confused and grasping individuals who have no idea where to begin but have a deep need to explore this Gnostic path they read about in the Da Vinci Code.

If it isn't 136 emails on whether Nazareth really was a place, it's 238 emails on the validity of Gnostic apostolic succession. If it isn't 356 emails on the clear and indisputable fact that all priests, Gnostic or otherwise, are just out to aggrandize themselves, it's 156 emails on colourful personal definitions of "my God" by people who are totally and blithely unaware that they are describing the God of their ego, and in no way are touching on the one true Father, the Pleroma. Uh...what's a Pleroma? Aaargh!!

But the granddaddy of them all is the billion and one personal definitions of what gnosis and Gnosticism "is". It seems that every Baptist dissident, perpetually guilty disillusioned Catholic, spiritually inclined atheists or religiously intrigued scientist flock to the brand spanking new banner of "Gnosticism" and claim to make it theirs. It has become a freaking buzzword, with no more content or meaning than Hoola-Hoop™ or He-Man®.

But what is IS, what GnosticISM is, is a 2000+ year old religion (gasp...I said religion) designed to enhance and support the realization of gnosis. It's simple. It doesn't have a monopoly on the concept of gnosis, but it does on the concept of Gnosticism. It's like arguing over the meaning of the word "dirt" or "jelly bean". They have clearly defined and understood meanings that have existed for hundreds, even thousands of years. Just because, in your ignorance or in popular cultures ignorance, you are unaware of what the word Gnositicism represents, that doesn't make the definition of term Gnosticism invalid. This term is unfortunately trending towards the fate of the words "gay" and "faggot". Their original ages old meanings are being distorted or even reassigned by today's popular culturists who feel it is their right and obligation to do what they want whenever they want to without regard to tradition or history as long as it suits their needs of the moment.

But honestly? None of it matters. What others think or do have no bearing on how I live my life or how I pursue gnosis. My path is decided and steadfast.

I just wish I could find a place where ongoing helpful discussions about everyday practices of Gnosticism, Spirituality, Paganism, and Magick happen daily and constantly. I have started a Yahoo! Group called Gnostic Ecclesia in the hopes of encouraging something like this to happen but that will take some time.

Argument and discord commonly lead to dissention and strife. This all leads to suffering. The point of all this is to find happiness and love. Debates are necessary within a community of folks whose goals are similar in the pursuit of a greater Work. But they are destructive between individuals who are as of yet still completely unaware of their own ignorance. I accept my ignorance, and humbly seek a path towards salvation.

Welcome Little Man

My son, Jaden Derack Johnston, was born on Sept 20th, 2006.

This is the second time my wife and I have taken this journey together, and it was just as magical the second time. A life was born, right there before my eyes. And it is perfect.

As a father, I am aware of the impact I will have on this little boy's life. I only hope that I can teach him to love openly, to respect indiscriminantly, and to share his life without reserve. I only hope as his example, that I am up for the task.

Goals

I have read in many places that the most successful people are those that have written goals. I believe writing them down makes you accountable to making those goals happen. It's sort of like a memo to the Universe.

My decision to join the formation program of the AJC was an impulsive one, but one that I could not deny. As the dust settles from it at home and acceptance is slowly replacing apprehension, I am thinking more and more about what I want to do with my life. Next month is my 30th birthday, and this too lends impetus to this life evaluation. Sort of breather before starting out on the next leg of this mighty marathon. I survived my teens, and learned through my twenties. I am now ready to begin my adult life with focus and vigor.

So I thought in that spirit, I would establish and write down my goals.

Short Term Goals (within 2 years)

1) Complete "Weaving the Web", an online program with oodles of credentials that will train me as a Web Developer in 7 programming languages and all current Web Standards
2) Be ordained as a Deacon for the AJC
3) Establish or help establish a viable fundraising program for the AJC and its parishes
4) Volunteer with a local group to do my part to help end homelessness.

Long Term Goals (within 6 years)

1) Work from home as a freelance Web Developer. 6 years from now my youngest child will be full time in school, thereby eliminating any distractions cute little anklebiters create
2) Be ordained as a Priest for the AJC and establish a parish here in Vancouver
3) Be prepared to begin as full-time paid clergy. The Web Developing will help pay the mortgage as a full-time side job
4) Enroll in the Vancouver School of Theology upon ordination and work towards a Doctorate in Philosophy (I will not set a end date for this goal at this time)

Big Crazy Goal (everyone's gotta have one of these)

Fundraise for and acquire space to begin and run an "End Homelessness" program. The ideas are foggy still, but the idea would be to create a temporary place for the homeless to get cleaned up, get an address, and get a job. Programs such as this exist to some extent already, but I hope that I will bring something different to the table. Before I can know what that is I will need to learn how it is done now, as addressed in my short term goal of volunteering locally.

So there it is. For good or ill, this is how I see my life panning out for the next while. This will also keep me focused and will help me from adding little things in my wishy washy idealist way of wanting to do everything. Of course maintaining a healthy marriage, raising to two children and some minor home renovations are all a part of that but those are givens ;).

Peace

Growing Up

I have a brother who is about as stuck as someone can get.

He has been chewing on some childhood issues with my mother for most of his life. Sure, they are valid and he had a right to be mad, for awhile any way. But we run the risk of becoming defined by that anger if it is held onto for too long.

Both of my parents had rough childhoods and like most parents they sought to halt the cycle with their own children. But again like most parents (myself included) you find that once you have kids this is much easier said than done. Kids test you, they push you and they force you to look at yourselves in ways you may not be prepared to. When you find yourself yelling at a 6 month old baby for crying because she is hungry, you see a side of yourself that though you may have known was there, hadn't been forced to face before.

And so it was with my parents. My father absented himself and my mother set about to mold us into the people she thought we needed to be. This didn't always leave much room for us to decide for ourselves. My youngest brother was lucky. He was gifted with an easy going, logical way of looking at life, and being the youngest was able to either dodge a lot of it, or just let it pass over him. He's a good man and I am proud of him.

I'm the oldest and as such took much of the brunt of it, as is usually the curse of oldest children. But I had good friends and an interest in sports so I at least had an outlet for my physical aggression even if I still made it into my twenties being fairly confused about who I was. I met my wife when I was 19, and it can be said that she saved me. It wasn't easy, but I did it. I am now standing on the other side of that chasm enjoying my life, and making plans for the future.

But the middle one? Oh, what a mess. He didn't have any friends. He had no outlets but his poetry and his art, most of which was very dark and enabled the whole issue to multiply in on itself. So now he is 28, confused, tired, angry, sad and scared slowly drowning in his own emotions.

At some point in a normal persons life, the transition from child to adult happens fairly naturally, though albeit somewhat bumpily. We begin to take responsibility for ourselves and start making choices for ourselves and we learn to live with the consequences, good or bad, of those decisions. When something happens to us that derails that process, it is really hard to get back on. It is hard because not only did we not know we were on a track to begin with, but we have not yet developed the tools to get ourselves back there. So we fumble our way forward, confused and angry, lashing out at any perceived threat and disbelieving in happiness, a shiny object not to be trusted. Nothing feels right, we are not on our track. No matter what we do, not matter how we succeed or fail, we are not on our track.

So to find your track again, you need help. But asking people for help, requires trust, which in turn requires love and for most in this situation, this is virtually impossible. We are, most of us, habitually cruel to ourselves even if only in small ways. We suffer from doubt, from feelings of unworthiness, of self imposed lonliness, of imagined slights. We learn to content ourselves with very little, feeling that this is all we deserve or that this is all there is, as good as it gets. To step out of that small space is to step into the unknown. If we only knew that that fear of the unknown is so easily conquered, and is by far preferable to that small space of not-living.

And thus is the precipice on which my brother stands. My mother has done all he asked of her. I have provided all the advice and help that has been asked of me. And still he chooses to hold on to the anger and the spite. Still he lashes out, imposing his controls and putting those around him down, belittling them, just to feel superior for a few fleeting moments. To give himself the illusion of worth and of control.

You cannot help someone who does not want to be helped. To reach out your hand for help, to put your faith in trust is a right of passage, a way of proving to yourself that you are worth the aid you are asking for. It is the first step to learning to help yourself, and learning to open yourself up to the goodness that exists in all people all around us. It is the first step to getting yourself back on your tracks and to living the life you were meant to live. It is the first step of letting go of childish things and growing up.

It is never too late to do this but it can become too hard, too overwhelming as we leave it for too long. We only have so much strength to pull ourselves up off our knees. At some point we need to grow up, to open our eyes and see the truth that is before them, and to again accept responsibility for our choices. To choose to stand in the light, instead in the darkness we create.

You are in my prayers, my beloved brother. May you find your way to us again.

Gnosis = Ignorance

Something has slowly been dawning on me over the past few weeks, forcing me to re-evaluate what I thought I had learned so far. This is something I expect to do for some time to come. Bear with me here as I am articulating this as I go for the first time.

To have knowledge of something is to have experiential understanding of something. If I haven't experienced it, then it is simply fact, data. Facts and data or touchy because since I don't know first hand, I take that fact as true on faith. If the fact is wrong, then I am wrong by default.

If this is true, then I have to discard almost everything I thought I knew, which doesn't leave me with a whole heck of a lot. As I move towards gnosis, and re-evaluate my understanding of my existence and what/who I am, this process will continue until I am left with nothing since what little I do know belongs to this world of forms, not to the ultimate Reality where my spirit/consciousness resides. Where I truly am. This would mean to me that gnosis ultimately leads to ignorance.

But ignorance of what? Facts and data? No, I have lots of those and will continue to gain and discard this as I move along. Ignorance means literally "not knowing". Gnosis therefore leads to the understanding that I don't KNOW anything of Reality in the experiential sense.

But once gnosis is realized, what do I gain? Experiential knowledge of the Divine is the text book answer, but what does that mean? Will all the truths of Reality suddenly come clear? Will I suddenly comprehend the true history of Christ? Will I suddenly speak 5 languages and know he square root of 1? Of course not, but then what knowledge am I gaining?

Then it occured to me that I am using the wrong definition of knowledge. Gnosis translates as knowledge in the only sense we have for the word in English, but it actually means another kind of knowledge altogether, something we don't have a word for. It is an understanding of the nature of my relationship with the Divine. A communion of sorts between the Divine and my Self. These seem to me to be more feelings that intellectual knowledge and would be almost impossible to impart to another. This experience, this knowledge of the Divine nature of Reality, is truly inexpressable. Which is why it cannot be bestowed or granted. It must be found. I cannot learn it in a book. To find it I must unlearn everything until I find the very basis of who I AM. As Rev. Scott put it, we need to break ourselves down to our elements, analyze them, and re-integrate them.

I have just begun reading the Pilgrimage, which is required reading for my 2nd assignment. In it, I have learned in the first couple of chapters that if we focus too hard on the goal, we miss the details of the journey. We miss what the experiences along that journey will teach us about ourselves. And to do this is to defeat oneself before you have even started.

It is clear to me that gnosis will not be mine until I truly Know My Self. Perhaps gnosis then is a gradual awakening to my Self, a remembering of what I am, rather than a blinding ephiphany that blind sides me on 2pm on some idle Tuesday. Perhaps it is not the reward at the end of a rigorous obstacle course, but the obstacle course itself.

I Had a Dream Once

I dreamt of a life
I once had
I knew joy, tasted love
I felt pain, betrayal was mine
I knew contentment, breathed potential
I caused disfunction, felt loss
Bitterness with sweetness
Stormy sky full of gentle whispers
Promising, always promising
For tomorrow

It was all things
It was mine

I had a dream once
Soft yellow flowers
Fragrant on a summer day
Smelled of a child's hair, bright as her laughter
Cool breeze soft against my cheek
Falling leaves, bright against the sky
Rustling, full of hidden secrets
Whiteness and rainy days
Idle and content, slumbering waiting soon to be a memory
Buds and birdsong, renewal and rebirth
Promises fulfilled as Nature takes her turn
Cycles

I saw a tree
Felt its strength, drank of its wisdom
I knew peace and drifted in its placid permanence
Rooted firmly in the earth
Branches reaching towards the light
A connection
Fleeting
But real
Oh so real

I had a dream once
I saw the face of my father
It was light and it was blinding
Love was his gift, patience was his demand
I knew my mother
She was darkness and it was silence
Patience was her gift, wisdom was her nature

I had a dream once
Knowledge was there
Out of reach, then close
Soft as a feather
Fluttering with the breath of my understanding
One is all
All is whole
A beginning without end
An end that only started

I had a dream once
But I'm almost awake now
And it is more than I can encompass

My Ministry, My Vocation

Last night I participated in a cozy little online chat with my +Bishop and two of my brothers in Formation. I cannot tell you how intimidating I find these sessions. I have felt for some time, right from the beginning, that I am their Peter. The least of them all. Why? Well that's a longer story.

Rather than to dive back into my sad little story, suffice it to say I was not exactly encouraged to have much self confidence. In some areas of my life I exceled and in others I failed miserably. In the areas I exceled in and felt the most confidence there was one thing in common. There was only me. I did not have to interact or express myself to anyone else. I could live in my own head. When forced to confront or deal with someone else, my sense of inadequacy reared its awful head and I retreated, tail firmly between legs.

Things have changed over the years. A strong loving wife and the unquestioning love a 2 year old are definitely contributing factors. I have matured emotionally as well, either through active correction or just because it happens with age I am not really sure. Regardless my control has improved and I'm a little easier to be around. I lucked out with a good therapist, though it is usually me just talking to a willing if silent listener.

But I still struggle with self confidence in areas that I feel most vulnerable. Religion, my art (when being gifted or done for others), my feelings. Within my formation group there are some great minds. Some eloquent people, some passionate articulate people. There are decades of scholarship and minds well suited to debate.

Am I saying that I won't/can't measure up? No, I know my abilities and my gifts. I know that this is the path I was made for. It's just like when you approach a girl you like for the first time, your tongue starts doing some interesting things and the most ridiculous stuff start popping out of your mouth. My lack of confidence in the face of equals or betters gets the best of me. I can and will get over it though.

So what is the point of this post? Well, I started this by feeling like I needed to catch up. That I had all this stuff to learn: history, philosophy, theory. But as I was riding home on the bus today, surrounded by great souls and children of Light, I remembered what my sensei used to tell us about sparring opponents. If you brace yourself for the coming blows, or if you have several possible moves in your mind all at once, when the attack comes you will hesitate, you will be too slow. If you are relaxed, ready to react and let your body do what it knows to do, you will win.

And so it is with my gifts. The truth is inside us. I must simply be still and live within the moment and it will be clear. What is in front of my face will be revealed to me. If I relax, my spirit will do what it already knows how to do. Remember.

I am a passable scholar. I enjoy facts and stories and retain them. But details? Bah, only so much room in the grey matter. Debate? I can hold my own, but I tend to let others have their views and try to learn something from it. But what I am good at is empathy. I help, I listen, I feel. It is why I applied to the group in the first place. As a priest, I can be in a position to help people on a most important journey. I can listen to their struggles, offer advice based on my own experiences, and improve their lives. What better task can one set for ones life? How great, how special, how humbling. That is what I can offer to this group.

Too bad its so hard to do online. ;)

Peace

I'm Your Firestarter

You know this individual. Every blog, every discussion forum and every online group has at least one of them. Self-righteous. Omnipotent. Infallible. Flippant. Argumentative. Opinionated. Snide. Drunk on their own genius.

To argue with them is an excercise in futility. To reason with them is impossible. To attempt to out-smart them is difficult because they don't play by the rules of logic.

The disruption, the loss of community and the frustration they cause is immeasurable. They do and say things they wouldn't face to face, exploiting the anonymity of the online experience. They are the archons incarnate and I deny them.

I don't argue, I don't respond. They are invisible.

Begone firestarters. You have no power here.

Happy Aniversary

Today marks the 8th year since I linked my life to my wife, Darleane.

She taught me what it meant to believe in something, to believe in myself, and to stand up for that. She taught me what it felt like to be worth something and showed me the beauty that was in me if I had the courage to grasp for it.

She showed me the happiness that can be found in everyday life. She showed me the peace that can be felt in the little things. She showed me that love isn't a lie and that it can be returned without strings. She showed me how to be a friend.

She taught me to trust again. She helped me find myself and to set my feet on the path I was meant to walk. Today marks 8 years of learning and loving. Of sharing and experiences I wouldn't trade for anything. It also marks the day she saved my life. And for that I will be ever grateful.

I love you, my love, on this day of days.

Another Thought

Jesus said, "... If they ask you, `What is the sign of your father within you?' say to them, `It is movement and repose.'

Gospel of Thomas

A Thought

The goal of mankind is knowledge…Now this knowledge is inherent in man. No knowledge comes from outside: it is all inside. What we say a man "knows," should, in strict psychological language, be what he "discovers" or "unveils"; what man "learns" is really what he discovers by taking the cover off his own soul, which is a mine of infinite knowledge.

Swami Vivekananda

Is That the Sound of Something Clicking?

Somedays I feel so tantalizingly close to an epiphany and other days so very far away. But I think I am on to something.

I believe the first step (and this may seem pretty obvious to some) is to make of yourself a worthy person. I believe that one must purge all anger, hatred, jealousy, envy and judgement from yourself. These are the tools of the ego and as long as you succumb to them you will remain enthralled to it.

I grew up mean and cruel. Plain and simple. First come first serve and if you were second, take it by force from the one that came first. Mercy is for the weak, and the weak deserve no mercy (Karate Kid in case that sounded familiar). It was a vicious downward spiral of feeling lonely and reaching out, not getting the response I was looking for, lashing out in pain and anger, getting hate rebounded back to me and sinking back into loneliness.

If I had only seen that it was all in my approach to reaching out. It was defensive and aggressive and more than a little needy. It put new people off and stank of the same 'ol same 'ol for those that knew me. But that is in the past. I know now that the pain of rejection is so much less than the pain of loneliness. My life is filling rapidly with friends, joy and love.

But now comes the hard part. Now the old habits need to be reformated into knew ones. When I'm not paying attention the old hard ass bastard comes out. So I force myself to humbleness and I apologize. Everytime. And you know what? I don't see the bastard too much anymore. I live in mindfullness, aware of what I am doing NOW, not worrying about tomorrow or chewing on yesterday.

Now comes the hardest part. Putting myself out there. Saying hello, helping someone with their bags, making sure someone is OK, giving a smile, making them smile. Giving a part of myself to everyone I meet. Without reservation and without judgement. Stinky old man? Love you buddy, how's it going. 600lb woman? Love you sister, be well. It's easy to be nice to the pretty people or the one's more like you. The true test are the homeless, the strange, the mean looking and the punks. Once you learn to love them, you are on the road to something greater.

What is that something? Not sure, but I can't wait to find out.

Know Thy Self. That's the key and the first thing I will try to master.

PAX

Do Animals Really Have Feelings?

The answer of course is yes. An emphatic YES.

I grew up on a farm raising calves and pigs. It was an innocent beginning to be sure and it wasn't until later in my life that I understood the value of knowing where my food was coming from.

In today's world we get our food already portioned and nicely labelled in a plethora of package styles and materials. Our meat is already boned and skinned, all the disgusting stuff is already done for us. Our hands are not stained and we can go about forgetting where and how that chicken breast or steak made into that package. Our foods are pre-cooked and sealed in a colourful plastic bag. Just add water, and presto, dinner for 4 for the busy family.

But the hateful and terrible truth is there for us to see. The animals that supply the dairy and eggs we find in many of our foods suffer greatly for our convenience. Cows do not naturally produce milk 12 months out of the year. Like humans they only produce milk for their babies. So cows are constantly impregnated. What happens to calves? Veal anyone? I could go on, but you get my point.

What these animals are put through every day of their miserable existence is deplorable, inhuman and monstrous. And we support it every day. We make that possible. Hey, I won't buy a lipstick that was tested by sticking it into a fluffy bunny's eye, but chickens are just dumb birds, right? What does it matter to me if they are crammed in a tiny wire cage, with little to no room to move, while feet are chafed raw from the wires and the sky is a distant dream somewhere in the instincts of its DNA?

So this weekend, I decided that I would say no. I will no longer eat non-organic, non-free range dairy or eggs, not even in a chocolate bar or a piece of bread. I will no longer eat non-organic, non-free range meat (though I am stuggling with even this and may go vegetarian in the end) no matter how much I miss McDonalds.

I have heard it said that a societies morality can be measured by how it treats in animals. What does that say for our society? What does that say about us?

End the suffering. Do your part.

Do it today.

The Meatrix
The Meatrix 2
ChooseVeg.com

Please.

You That Makes Me a Better Man

You of blue eyes, wild hair and mischevious smile are the catalyst of my transformation. It is for you that I endeavour to cast off the chains of my past and to heal the scars of what was done to me. It is for your future that I seek to rectify my past and to dream of my future, that I strive to find some peace for the little boy no one heard. It is for you that I walk now on this higher road, trying to find a nobler way of life so that you can be proud and so that you do not waste so much of your life trying to remember what you are.

You of bright spirit and stubborn independance are the miracle of life that has shone into the darkest corners of my being. It is for you that I go there, broom in hand, to sweep out the dust and cobwebs and garbage of my experiences. To reclaim the joy that was there and the innoncence that I lost. It is for you that I throw open the shutters of my heart and learn to love again. So that I may be an example to you that even through the pain of our tears it is possible to love and to find forgiveness.

You of gentleness and innocent wisdom are the impetus with which I reach for God. To find my true Self is the gnosis of His light and to show you how it was supposed to be. To teach you the difference between illusion and truth and to hold your hand and walk with you as you discover your own truths, and to let you go when it is time. It is for you that I make of myself a safe harbour for you to rest, where you can find calmness, compassion, love and understanding. It is for you that I spread this message to those I meet and to those I share my life with. To do my small part to make this a better world for you and your children.

You of precious joy, how I love you. How you make me a better man just by existing. Bless you for showing me the way. Oh God bless you, little one, my princess.

What is "Evil" I define Evil as an act commited by an individual or a group of individuals that is not in accordance or in the best interests of Creation.

Many will say "I don't believe in Evil". Evil as a concept can be taken in many ways. When I refer to evil, I am not referring to the Darth Vader kind of evil. I mean the residue that taints our world with every act that countermands the nature of Creation, of this World of Forms. With every rape, murder, war, coarse word, racist comment. With every child that is exploited and every animal that is beaten, our world becomes a little less.

When we commit an act that runs against the nature of Creation we commit Evil. Don't get caught up in labels, they are not in and of themselves a bad thing. They make debates such as this possible.

If I beat my child for spilling her drink in the car, I commit Evil. It is my job as a father to nurture her growth and to help her learn and grow into who she is meant to be. Do I perform this basic function by inflicting pain on her for a simple mistake? No, absolutely not. I show no compassion or understanding for her developing little bodies lack of fine motor skills and her poor judgement that lead to the spilling of the drink.

Now if I help her clean it up, and kiss away her tears and show her a better way or place to drink, then I commit Good. And this adds to the world.

Man creates evil through his actions. But man can also uncreate it, through his positive actions. With every kiss, every embrace, every act of charity and every expression of compassion, our world is built back up again. Jesus showed us that Love can and will triumph. Now we just have to get there one act at a time.

Peace

Moods are Stupid

I will chalk it up to the unfathomable incomprehensibility of the human mind and ego. One day you are walking on air, the next day sunk into depression. What gives? Nothing happened between now and then, I just woke up that way.

What was God thinking when he designed and imagined the rat's nest of synaptic cross links and ooey gooey gray matter we call our minds?

How can I be expected to find him through gnosis if I can't even master my own moods? Or is that the point?

Hmmmm.

Peace

Why Are There No Gnostics in Vancouver?

Somedays I lack the eloquence to describe my unbelievable frustration at the complete and utter lack of a gnostic presence here in Vancouver, the supposed best place on Earth to live (2 years in a row).

There is absolutely nothing. No churches, no meet groups, no communities, and seemingly no interest. You would think with such a culturally diverse environment, religious diversity and curiousity wouldn't be hard to find. But it seems the exact opposite is true.

I know Father Jordan is a short hop away in Victoria, but for those that understand the regional mentalities of the area, for a Vancouverite to go to the Island is like travelling to the moon (and almost as expensive!).

Oh well, I can only believe that perseverence and prayer will help me find the pocket I know is out there. It just doesn't have any web presence and therefore no easy way to find it. Maybe when I do, I can design them a website ;).

Peace

My First Mass

I went to my first mass today, or at least the first mass where I had a clear idea of why I was going rather than hoping vainly for some God-inspired epiphany.

I went to a little Anglican Church up the way by the name of St. Barnabas. I live in New Westminster, which is the original capital of BC and ripe with some of the most gorgeous turn of the century homes you have ever seen. Heritage is a big part of what my town is about and St.Barnabas is no exception. The building is over 100 years old, built in 1891, with an olden time simpler life feel inside. Very peaceful and quite unexpectedly beautiful with many stained glassed windows you can't see through the wire caging from the outside. It is also one of 7 parishes that are allowed to give blessings to same-sex unions within the New Westminster Diocese. The fate of the remaining parishes will be decided on during some big pow-wow to be held in 2007.

The mass was presided over by a female pastor, her name escapes me please forgive, and she was wonderful. Quietly comfortable and eloquent, she presided over the service with a calm confidence. I was blessed to have come on a day where two children were being baptized. It was a happy occasion and the mood in the church was bright and celebratory, if a little noisy ;).

I accepted the Eucharist for the first time. Whereas I didn't received a blinding flash of divine awareness, I did feel "something". I am beginning to understand the purpose of ritual and the meaning behind this most mysterious of the sacraments. "Something" will have to be enough though and that's not so bad a place to start.

I left feeling replenished and at peace. I will be back as often as I can. Two small children don't always leave Sunday mornings open but my wife is being very supportive and it is only an hour and well worth whatever bargain I have to make with her to go!

I tried to envision what it would be like to be the priest presiding over a congregation. I could feel what it might be like to serve a group of individuals like the one that was gathered there to today. To have them look to you for guidance and for wisdom and to share their love and trust with you is a wonder. I was overcome by a feeling of humbleness and by a renewed certainty that to serve in the name of God my fellow human beings was the path I was here to walk.

Peace

A Lesson From an Angry Man

I began my day as usual today and was arriving at the Skytrain station when I was greeted by the acrid stench of cigarette smoke. There was a crusty older guy smoking his way up the escalator onto the platform.

So I approached him on the miniscule off-chance that he didn't know that he wasn't allowed to smoke there. My polite "Excuse me but you're not allowed to smoke up here" was met with his "I don't really give a fuck".

Well I wasn't really expecting any other response from him but had felt obligated to at least try. I said "Ah, ignorance first thing in the morning. My favorite" to which he replied "Mind you own fucking business". At this point I should have stopped but my blood was going at this point (probably his intention) so I said "It is my business because I have to smell it". He replied with some more swearing (I stopped listening at this point) and took a few steps towards me. The train had arrived so I grimaced at him in disgust, waved my hand at him and entered the car his wasn't going to be in.

Now, at this point I was pretty angry, being sweared at by someone at 7am tends to do that. But since I wasn't expecting anything other than what I got, I began to wonder why I was upset.

The answer was fairly quick in coming. My ego was having trouble with letting him win. It wanted to yell at him and indulge in the same sort of ignorant animalistic behaviour he was. I wanted to bump chests and throw a punch, anything but let him continue to smoke while I walked away. Having recognized this, it was easy to see that he wasn't really winning, since his base morally corrupt existence was only perpetuated by this display of do-whatever-the-hell-I-want behaviour. Either that or he was just having a bad day but something told me that this was this guy's MO.

But I was still pissed. I couldn't find the other side of his story and through it find my compassion for him. I couldn't find a way to let it go. It haunted me all the way to the gym and throughout my workout.

But as I was walking back down to the bus stop to finish my trip to work I looked up. The street I was on was lined with big tall trees with widespread branches that created a vibrant green canopy over me. The wind was blowing and the leaves were rustling and I was again reminded on the beauty that surrounds us. Nature was singing to me with her soft voice.

And then I found it.

Careful to not make judgements, I realized that he was most likely an angry man, as I once was. And angry men are really just frightened men who decide that the best defense is an offense. Any confrontation, any contradiction must be met head on with force and abuse. It is how he sees the world had always dealt with him. He is lost in a world he doesn't understand with no way of finding help and no ability to accept a better way. Been there, done that. Through my similar experiences and my own self discovery I could begin to see what would drive him to behave this way.

And so I let it go.

Gnostic 20 Questions: An Exercise in Thoughtfulness

Father Jordan posed these questions to any readers willing to answer them, with the possibility of the answers being included in his forthcoming book. I thought I would post them here as well for my own edification:

1) What's the difference between gnosis and Gnosticism?

Gnosticism simply refers to the group of intrepid individuals who search for the truth and for awareness of God within, by whatever means or paths are at hand. Gnosis is the realization OF that awareness. Many today, especially in our post-DVC world, use the word Gnosticism as a label to use against anyone with the audacity to question the validity of the New Testament or Christian history or who don't swim with the school so to speak. Be they I mean, atheists, agnostics, etc...

2) Is Gnosticism a distinct religion, an approach to religion, or a sect within another religion?

All of the above. It is a distinct religious movement with the goal of helping its fellow humans to recognize the Divine within, to be resurrected in life, and to attain Gnosis and salvation from ignorance. It is also an approach to existing religions, in the sense of viewing religious gospels and scriptures as allegorical myths that point to a greater revelation. They are also sects within other religions that follow a more mystic approach or view their literalist brethren as initiates into a greater Mystery, i.e. Kabala vs. Judaism, etc... (the other examples escape me at this moment!)

3) As a Gnostic, have you achieved gnosis? What is your experience of gnosis? If gnosis is "knowledge" of the Divine, do you believe in God?

No, I have not achieved gnosis per say, but the experience of God's love is beginning to creep into my daily awareness as well as my meditation practices. I believe however, that once one attains gnosis, it is not a belief in God that ensues (belief is implied since one would not look for gnosis otherwise) but a knowledge of God. There is a difference. Belief implies faith, knowledge implies certainty.

4) How do you express your Gnosticism in your daily life?

With a expressed compassion for my fellow humans. If someone upsets me, I search for why they would have done that which upset me rather than dwell on being upset. I live more mindfully, aware of the beauty that is around me and the greater purpose for existing. The material holds no attraction for me, or at least when faced with a great pair of shoes, I would buy them out of appreciation for their intrinsic coolness rather than what other people thought of them or how they would make me appear to others. And certainly only if I had the cash! Credit Cards are hateful life-controlling little suckers.

5) I think I'm a Gnostic! What do I do now?

Run the other way! Once you take the blue pill, there is no turning back.

6) If the sacraments don't lead to gnosis, automatically or even eventually, what's the role / need for the sacraments in Gnosticism?

They prepare the mind and temper the spirit. Through these rituals and their symbols we hope to inspire and move or higher self towards the unknown. It is similar to art or poetry which try and convey a deeper meaning through it's imagery or words. Also ritual repetition breeds familiarity and with it a recognition of its purpose. Like when you first learn to perform a proper jump shot rather than lob up a granny shot. Eventually you stop thinking about how to shoot and focus on the goal of getting the ball in the hoop. I hate sports analogies but it works and I'll go with it.

7) Is the Demiurge real? What role does having the Demiurge or Archons in your world-view play? Is an evil god the cause of evil in the world? Does this evil god create earthquakes and tsunamis?

The Demiurge is a metaphor for our ego, the Archons a metaphor for our senses. To believe in him as an actual entity is to fall prey to the same literalist views that most modern day Christians are afflicted with (it is a necessary starting point but hardly the final stop in the overall journey). The characters themselves remind me of my own human failings, and with that recognition, gives me the strength and power to attempt to overcome them. To use the term evil is to again fall into the literalist tendency to paint things black and white. Evil is a matter of perspective, one side always labels the other side evil and their side good, and vice versa. To blame an evil God for the evilness in our world is to excuse us of our responsibility in that evil. The evilness is in man's inherent animal nature and our unenlightened state. As to natural disasters, I firmly believe that man's raping of Mother Nature both in deed and in spirit is what causes these "natural disasters". Our reality is one that we have built with our shared consciousness, is it so implausible that that shared consciousness could affect it on that kind of scale? I think not.

8) What's the difference between Gnosticism and "mainstream" Christianity?

Mainstream Christians are literalists that view their scriptures as historical fact. God is the big cheese sitting in heaven ruling our every move and judging our every action. They view a life well lived to be rewarded with a free pass to heaven. Make a mistake and you go to hell. Don't believe in God, go to hell. There is little thought put into the beliefs and less contemplation in what that means to them as an individual. Gnostics on the other hand view all knowledge as sacred and worth knowing. They will seek wisdom in any teachings regardless of what "religion" it came from. What is important is the journey, not the goal. They view scripture as allegorical myths that hide secret truths that need to teased out of their under-meanings through contemplation and meditation. To them God is a Big Mind that encompasses the universe, unknowable and ineffable, who gains consciousness through the consciousness of the beings within that universe.

9) What role does the concept of sin play in Gnosticism?

None whatsoever. We learn, we adapt, we grow. To err is to be human.

10) If it's gnosis that saves, what is the role of faith? If gnosis is necessary for salvation, are non-Gnostics saved? Saved from what?

Gnosis saves us from ignorance. One must have faith to begin the journey that their is something towards which we travel. When one reaches that goal, one ceases to have faith and begins to have knowledge. We are all saved in the sense of returning to God when we die since we never left Him in the first place. Gnosis only gives us the opportunity to know God and His love in life.

11) What is the role of the Divine Feminine in Gnosticism? Why are some attracted by this idea, while others are repelled? Is Sophia a Goddess?

The Divine Feminine plays a few parts. She represents the nurturing compassionate side of God, the creator. To incorporate her into Gnosticism is simply a restoration of the whole picture rather than the stunted one sided viewpoint of most religions of today. She also represents one half of our selves, to make the male and female one is to transform ourselves into a whole human. For those that are repelled by this idea, that is understandable. Religion has been male dominated for 2000 years, it is a new and radical idea and would take some time to get used to however natural it actually is. Sophia is simply one more aspect of God, as is the Son or Logos, they are all the same.

12) Why do you think orthodox Christianity is still threatened by the message of Gnosticism?

Gnostics deal in grey rather than black and white. They are the searchers and the knowers. We are often afraid of what we do not understand and to the Orthodox Christians, Gnostics gleefully search for and embrace that which was unknown. For the average Christian, there is a great satisfaction in a little book having all they will ever need to know all wrapped up in a nicely wrapped package. To face the fact that it isn't is too terrifying for most to deal with. It a sense, a Gnostic represents a realization of that fear.

13) If you admit there is not one, continuous, unbroken Gnostic church throughout history, how is Gnosticism not a "revival" religion, or a kind of "dress up"?

Gnosticism is more than a movement or a belief system. It is a way of looking at the world, of knowing God by knowing oneself. Because of this, it transcends the limits of tradition or religion, and becomes a way of life. Gnostics are not tied to one fount of knowledge but looks for wisdom from many avenues. It is not of one religion, but an aspect of all religions.

14) How does "the occult" factor into Gnosticism? Do you practice ceremonial magic or cast spells or read tarot cards?

Yes, I read tarot cards as a way to help my spiritual maturity evolve. The occult is there to help us attune to what our higher consciousness is trying to tell us, to make the upper like the lower and the lower like the upper. Through these tools of symbols and rituals, we can become more aware and perceive more easily what was not readily perceivable before. In this way we can become a more whole individual consciously. Is it a requirement to use the occult to aid in our attainment of gnosis? No, I don't believe so. They are tools just like meditation is also a tool.

15) Do you believe in reincarnation?

I did but no longer do. It is too convenient an explanation. Also, to ascribe a succession of lives to each individual is to restrict the Divine to the limitations of time, which cannot and does not exist for the Pleroma. The essence of God that abides in each of us I suppose could be understood as being reincarnated is the same fashion that a table top fountain draws from a reservoir of water, splashes it out for our enjoyment, lets it fall back into the reservoir, only to be splashed out again. But even that imposes a restriction on the Divine by saying that there is a limited amount of the Divine to draw on and so it's essence must be re-used.

16) Is Gnosticism best pursued in a specifically Gnostic organization, exclusively solo, or in a broader community (ie Unitarianism, Society of Friends, Theosophical Society?)

A little of each. Within a specifically gnostic community, you get the benefit of fraternizing with like minded individuals. This sharing of ideas and learnings is invaluable to your own personal journey. Solo efforts are required as well, since in essence the path to gnosis is the path to self knowledge. No one else can do this for you or give it to you. Being a part of a broader community will expose you to differing points of view, allowing you to flesh out your own thoughts. By being challenged we can explore our thoughts more thoroughly than if everyone agreed with you all the time.

17) How will the growing popularity of Gnosticism affect what's happening now? How will it affect your practice and expression as a Gnostic?

I have to admit that I worry about it a little bit. With the power of popular culture and its ability to twist and skew what was originally pure and true, I'm not sure I want it anywhere near Gnosticism. Man's tendency to define and restrict would hinder the realization of gnosis to no end. Most of the world is not ready or even capable of understanding the path of a Gnostic and with notoriety comes infamy. I'm pretty sure most Muslims are really nice peaceful people, but turn on any American news channel and Muslims are all terrorists in training. I mean, aren't all Gnostics world-hating atheists that hold the flesh in contempt? ;)

18) How did you come to identify yourself as a Gnostic? Are you "out" about this identity?

I have always considered myself spiritual and have always quested for a path that fit for me. I have only learned of the term Gnostic and the beliefs behind it recently. And no, I am not "out" yet or at least it is not something I broadcast. Hi my name is Shawn, the Gnostic. If the discussion of religion comes up I partake with my view. What happens after that, happens. Since I don't believe I can "save" anyone, finding new recruits is not really a focus.

19) To which Gnostic historical figure do you most relate (even if that person was not Gnostic per se, such as Joan of Arc)? What's the most meaningful Gnostic scripture to you personally, and why?

If by historical figure you mean actual person, I would say John the Baptist. It's not like I know his favorite colour or what he does for fun on the weekend, but there is something about his story that touches. Having said that, as I continue my studies, new "Gnostic" figures keep coming to light so it is sort of a moving target. I so far have found the Gospel of Philip the most enlightening but I cannot say at this stage that I have read them all or fully understand the ones that I have.

20) What is the most important thing that Gnosticism has to offer non-Gnostics? What's the one thing you want everybody to know about Gnosticism?

Gnosticism offers freedom from the guilt of sin and the expectations of societies leaders. It gives you permission to be a rebel, to find your own truths your own way. It makes religion a fun and rewarding experience rather than an onerous duty you partake in to save your soul. I would want everyone to know that we are all already saved since we never left God in the first place. That we are here to find our way back to Him and that it is an exclusively personal journey. There is a tremendous freedom in that knowledge.

You Can't Take it With You

Jesus said: I tell my mysteries to those who are worthy of my mysteries. He said: There was a rich man who had much money, and who said: I will use my money that I may sow and reap and plant and fill my storehouses with fruit so that I lack nothing. This was what he thought in his heart. And that night he died. Whoever has ears, let him hear.

From the Gospel of Thomas

As I move forward in my search for gnosis and I begin to see the world with fresh eyes, the worth of material possessions is falling away. What does a $200 pair of jeans add to my life? Will dropping $100 on dinner going to nourish my soul? Is strapping myself for $500 per month to drive the latest and greatest brand new mini-van going to make me a better father? Of course not.

So what has driven me to attain and covet the material for so much of my life thus far? Well, my ego for starters. How others perceived my worth was important since I only found my worth in others validations. More stuff meant more worth. But now I see what poverty that kind of thinking really is.

I could be selling pencils on a street corner for 50 cents each. As long as I can provide for and protect my family, as long as I have my wife by my side, as long as I can hear the laughter of my children, as long as I have the love of good friends: then my life is rich. What use are material things compared to this? They serve only to clutter one's life and to distract from the true goals and purposes of why we are here.

Find Wisdom. Live compassionately. Love. Share joy.

Peace

The Fool and His Journey

When the wise man learns the Way,
He tries to live by it.
When the average man learns the Way,
He lives by only part of it.
When the fool learns the Way,
He laughs at it.
Yet if the fool did not laugh at it,
It would not be the Way.
Indeed, if you are seeking the Way,
Listen for the laughter of fools.

- Lao Tsu (chinese philosopher)

So I have dusted off my deck of Rider-Waite tarot cards after finding a book of mine called the Spiritual Tarot. I bought this many years ago and forgot all about it until now. Re-reading this spiritual approach to Tarot that uses it for your own personal spriritual growth, I am finding oodles of Gnostic references throughout. I never noticed it before because I knew nothing of Gnosticism all those years back.

After reading Father Jordan's+ blog (egina2.blogspot.com) about his recent move where he lists all his most precious treasures and included an old deck of Tarot cards that paid his way through college, I decided to re-investigate this old hobby of mine. My mother read them when she was younger and taught me how to at my own request when I was about 18. I lost interest simply because I never had anyone to read for and was mistrustful of reading for myself based on some poorly misconceived notions.

The Fool card has always been an inspiration to me and is what this blog is named after. I fully intend some day to get a stylized version of this tattooed on my left shoulder, to balance the tattoo I am getting this October for my 30th birthday. That one is a work in progress but will be dedicated to my daughter and my son-to-be (due October 2nd).

Peace and blessings.

Gospel of Philip: Verse 113

Humans mate with humans,
horses with horses, donkeys with donkeys,
each species with its own.
Likewise, our breath seeks another breath,
our intelligence seeks intelligence,
and every clarity seeks its light.
Become more human, and humans will love you;
become more spiritual, and the Spirit will unite with you.
Become more intelligent, and the Logos will unite with you.
If you become more clear, the light will unite with you.
If you ascend, you will find repose in the heights.
If you behave like a horse or donkey, calf, dog, sheep, or any other animal outside yourself,
you will be capable of union with neither human, spirit, Logos, nor light,
nor with what is above, now with what is within.
None of these realities can settle in you if you do not become like them through love.

This passage spoke volumes to me. It gave me an idea of how to pattern my behavior in keeping with an end goal. If my path is Gnosis what can I do to further that path? Every action I commit has a resulting reaction. Every choice has a consequence. If I live mindfully, watching every action and carefully making every choice, I can in effect shape my future. I can make it what I want it to be. How liberating is it to accept this power over your life rather than to ascribe it to the actions of others? I couldn't do A because that person did B. So many people spend so much of their life blaming their failures and broken dreams on the choices others have made that affected them. If you simply deny their actions any power over your reality, then they will wither and fade away. From this place you can actively choose which actions you allow to affect you and which you do not rather than simply floating down the river of life like so much flotsam, bouncing off random objects that cross your path by happenstance.

This is my first posting. I hope to post a musing a day as I travel down my fool's path towards Gnosis. I hope that I can learn more by this sharing and the subsequent comments made to my posts, both by my peers and my teachers.

Peace and God Bless